Currently working on: Countdown to DARKNESS UNDONE!
Mood: 5… 4… 3…
Last week, I had a couple get-togethers, both of which ended up in apocalyptic predictions where I had to bite my tongue lest I end the friendships long before the end of the world. Look, I appreciate a good apocalypse as much as the next paranormal romance reader, but I demand some common sense with my doomsdays.
Lately (and I blame you, Mayans) I’ve been running into more… I think I’ll call it porncalypse. Or maybe apocaporn. No, wait… Aporncalypse. Yes, that will do.
Not-Webster’s Made-Up Dictionary:
a•porn•ca•lypse /əˈpôrnkəˌlips/ n. Gleeful wanking to end-of-the-world scenarios characterized by manufactured breathlessness and a complete lack of attention to anything resembling reality. Not to mention a really, uh, spectacular end.
There are so many ways we could actually be fated for extinction, it seems unnecessary to court conspiracy theories. (Although I love any theory where I say “Where’s your proof?” and the other person says “There’s no proof because of the CONSPIRACY!”) So I’m going to offer these reasonable replacements for my tin-hat friends.
1. Geomagnetic reversal is for wimps. Get those tectonic plates moving with a supervolcanos!
After one friend managed to conflate the natural and proven (and geologically slooooow) drift of the Earth’s magnetic field with an overnight relocation of the north and south poles — caused by a mysterious approaching planet, resulting in the planet being torn in two — and after I stopped beating my head against the table where my cream puff resided — I suggested that she lose sleep over supervolcanoes instead. Hulu is showing the Nature channel’s Naked Science program Supervolcano now, for free. Supervolcano shows the same CG’d multi-stage explosion over and over and over again. Lingering on graphics of megadestruction is the heart (or maybe another centrally located organ) of aporncalypse.
2. UFO droppings on Oregon beaches.
I was sort of excited about this one because it was relatively close to home. (In the same way that the above-mentioned supervolcano will be close to home when Yellowstone explodes into my Portland backyard.) “Mysterious” metal boxes — seamless and immovable — were showing up on Oregon beaches this winter. Which, like every Christmas present ever, totally got my imagination churning. Except… They have apparently already disappeared. Damn you, mysterious boxes! We needed more time to work up a foamy froth of conspiracy. Fine then, we will just have to settle for new discoveries about the (maybe) faster-than-light neutrinos and the Boson Higgs “God particle.”
3. Zombies!… Okay, this one the doomsayers can keep.
Last year, scientists found multiple species of a Brazilian fungus that invades ant brains and turns the insects into walking zombies. Presumably the shambling kind — not the super speedy kind, because, really, how fast can an ant go? — but still.
Yeah, there’s no way to not freak out about this. I check back on the story every so often to see how it’s progressing. I’m thinking this will be a lot like the killer bees, slowly drifting northward with rising global temperatures. (And yes, I realize that the killer bees don’t really seem to be so killer as they were expected to be/bee, BUT THAT’S BEECAUSE THE TRUTH IS BEEING COVERED UP!)
What I noticed recently is how closely zombie ants resemble another conspiracy theory favorite:
Yes… Who would’ve thought the jackalope was the first harbinger of aporncalypse.
Do you have a favorite conspiracy theory or doomsday scenario? Leave a comment any time this week and you’ll be entered for a chance to win a signed copy of Jessica Andersen’s DEMON KEEPERS, a novel of the Final Prophecy.
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There’s always the chance a massive solar flare will knock out the entire grid and plunge us back into the Dark Ages — not quite apocalyptic, but still…. And oh, what about a comet/meteor impact? Now that one has possibilities…
Great topic, Jessa — and it just happens to be one of my favorite go-to topics with a good friend. The only difference being that she’s a geneticist and hugely into all things science, so when she expresses concern, I don’t necessarily sleep much!
by Linda Poitevin February 20th, 2012 at 3:21 pmOne of my favorite end-of-the-world scenarios wasn’t necessarily apocalyptic, but was interesting all the same. Edmond Hamilton wrote a book called “City at the World’s End”, where a nuclear weapon is detonated over a Midwest town and throws everything within the city limits into the future, finding them on a desolate, cold, abandoned earth which is barely being warmed by a dying sun. The industrious townspeople are forced to change lodgings to a domed city where they are eventually discovered by the ‘superior’ descendents of earth.
The climax includes a meeting before a Galactic senate reminiscent of Star Wars and with Earth being saved by a new type of bomb that re-warms the planet’s core (pseudo-science at its finest).
The hero and his fiance part ways – she chooses to remain on earth in the comfortable environs of their little town, while he goes on to adventures in the stars with a lovely scientist who is enchanted by the primitive strength of the man from the past.
by David Lake February 20th, 2012 at 3:29 pmZombie Ants!!! LOL. My daughter got me hooked watching “Walking Dead” and made a comment awhile back that she needs to learn how to ride a horse so she can escape Zombies and how a Costco would be a perfect place to be, should Zombies overtake the earth. I also watch Fades which is rather interesting – a fade/soul that has not ‘ascended” can turn immortal upon eating flesh. I would hate to have these two shows combine — ugh! I’m kinda boring: I think humans will lose their world through their own ignorance/avarice in not protecting their resources and another species will evolve into a better caretaker of the earth and we (humans) will just become insignificant — hmmm, that’s the planet of the apes plotline isn’t it? Never mind. . .
by marelou February 20th, 2012 at 3:35 pmI have to say i’m on board the deadly virus/bacteria/fungus world-wide pandemic train. Though I’m not convinced it’s going to happen before or after we screw up our own environment with things like nuclear bombs/hazardous waste/global warming at which point I’m betting those zombie ants are going to inherent the earth. None of the above sound pleasant though
by Avery Shade February 20th, 2012 at 4:00 pmA true doomsday scenario would be if all forms of books were to disappear. No more escaping into different realities. Just 24/7 unemployment, raising food cost and gas prices, homelessness, crime, etc.
by Kathy Miller February 20th, 2012 at 7:45 pmMy favorite doomsday apocalypse scenario is the pole shift, earthquake event that will cause everything on the West Coast to fall in the ocean. It will probably happen someday but hopefully not in my lifetime.
by JenniferK February 20th, 2012 at 11:25 pmLinda, exactly! True apocalypses are so much scarier!
“he goes on to adventures in the stars with a lovely scientist who is enchanted by the primitive strength of the man from the past” David, this sounds like a great book! Off to Google
Marelou, I think you’re right about us making our own apocalypses. Maybe this is one time when our imagination is NOT good.
by Jessa Slade February 20th, 2012 at 11:47 pmAvery, the combo disasters are a staple of my fave 50s “horror” movies: the radioactive spiders, the space fungus, the mutant lepus (killer rabbits). So you’re in good company
Kathy, no books?! Aaaaaaaaaaaaiii!!!
Jennifer, I have to admit I’ve checked the West Coast fracture scenarios and looked for beach front property
by Jessa Slade February 20th, 2012 at 11:52 pm